99 Bottles of Beer
by lavacana
Summary: Jack forces Hiccup to go out drinking with him. Rated T for drunkness(what's the correct word for that?), some curse words, a few sexual themes, and sex that happened but was never seen or described in writing. It's all humor, people, just humor.


99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall

I do not own How To Train Your Dragon, Rise of the Guardians, Teletubbies, the song 99 Bottles of Beer On The Wall, a gay bar, a gay club, a car, a dorm room, or a single sardine. This is purely for educational purposes only. And humorous purposes. And to count as a contribution to the HiJack revolution.

* * *

Hiccup had been vacuuming the first time Jack barged into his dorm room and tried to take him clubbing. Jack got a hard shove on the back and a smack to the head in exchange for his efforts. Along with a door slamming in his face.

The second time Jack tried to take him clubbing, he had been vigorously studying the anatomical differences between himself and the other men in the various magazines he had stored in a box under his bed. The situation was awkward enough for Jack to just walk out by himself.

The third time, Jack thankfully had enough sense to knock on the door. Hiccup shut off his vacuum and opened the door, only to be yanked right out of his threshold and dragged all the way across campus into Jack's car. He had officially been kidnapped and forced to go clubbing.

And that's how Hiccup found himself in this really, really bad situation.

He was surrounded by drunk, mostly-unattractive men at a gay bar with his best-friend-kind-of-crush where everyone was singing 99 Bottles of Beer On The Wall and playing a horrible drinking game because of it. Everyone who sang along was also playing the game, which basically meant everyone but Hiccup was, by definition, drunk. Even Jack had joined in, somewhere around 97, and they were currently on 95. Before, they'd hopped around a few other clubs and bars, and Hiccup knew Jack was supposed to konk out any minute. The auburnette was surprised he himself wasn't about to fall over; then again, he had a tolerance stronger then his own father's, however scientifically impossible that sounded. So here he was, with a drunk Jack sitting next to him, swaying and slurring through a song about drinking.

"Jack, I think it's time we h-"  
"Haccup! You–you're–Hi!"  
"Uh, hi? Look, why don't you put down that-"  
"Wooooaaaah, you rook so reird! Like, like… like… What?" The beer was slapped onto the bar top as Jack gave him those weird drunk eyes everyone has when they try really hard to focus and think but end up with a major brain fart.  
"Uh….Okay. Home, now, let's go. Up, up, we're lea-"  
"Haha! I get it now! I totally get it! That's the meaning of life!"  
Hiccup had heard Jack say this with such clarity that he whipped around with a raised eyebrow. "What?"  
Then Jack hiccupped, slurred, tumbled off the seat, and clutched his arms. "You. Need. Drink. Beer. Now." Hiccup will never know how Jack had the ability to signal the bartender to bring them five beers. "Haccip, rinkt it. Now!"

"Jack, no. Stop it. Let's go h-"  
"Nnnnow!"  
"No. Stop acting like this. We're leaving-"  
"Nnnoooooow!"  
"Jack I swear to Odin I will abandon you here for everyone to-"  
"I'll let you have sex with me if you drink all five beers."  
This effectively shut him up. He blinked his eyes in shock at Jack, trying to see what those unfocused blue eyes were planning, but receiving no answer.

"You're drunk. This is bullshit. I'm leav-"  
"I will literally let you shove your cock up my ass if you drink all five beers."

Hiccup glowered at Jack, but reached for a beer and started chugging it down. Admittedly, not the best decision in his life. But he really, really, really wanted to have sex with his best-friend-kind-of-crush and it was already to the point where he was willing to take advantage of him via the opportunity alcohol had granted him. He had needs, okay? And he wasn't a damn saint either; he couldn't last forever living only on the knowledge that he had done the right thing. Besides, it was Jack himself who encouraged him to act selfishly sometimes. He was only following his advice, even if it was in probably the worst way possible. 

* * *

He knew they were walking down the street. Trying to walk down the street. Something with a dark street.

Jack was holding onto him and he was holding onto Jack and he was saying something about Teletubbies but a shadow moved behind him and he found it so ridiculously hilarious that he had to stop and point out that shadow to Jack can't you see that shadow look it's so funny I know right hilarious.

Then there was more foot-movement things and he was sure they were on campus now, maybe, but he remembered a promise Jack made about cocks and asses and sex and he really liked thinking of that maybe he should ask Jack hey Jack didn't "you promise ts'ave sex wi' me 'f I rink bear?"

Blue and white stuff looked at him and oh hey that's where Jack went. "Whrt? Sex promsis wi' bear?" He heard keys.

Hiccup hiccupped, swayed, held his breath, and shook his head no. "Nah. Avter rink bear, we've sex."

Jack gasped really loudly and opened some doors and tapped him a lot on his shoulder while smiling really big. "Ooooooooh! Riiiiiiight! Sex promiiiiise!"

Hiccup nodded and hiccupped while doing foot-movement things towards Jack to try and kiss him. But Jack said no and they helped each other do foot-movement things up the stairs before going inside Jack's room. Something told Hiccup to make sure Jack was okay with the promise. "So? Sex now?"

Jack smiled really big again and nodded yes, but it kinda got cut off when Hiccup started gobbling his lips. 

* * *

Hiccup groaned. Too light, too early, too painful. He needed water, medication, a bucket, a shower, a black hole to consume him. He needed–  
Someone else was in his bed and just snored right next to him where was his dagger he needed his dagger Loki's balls who the Hel was in his bed right now.

Very, very slowly, he squinted his eyes against the light before popping his left one open and moving it to an impossible angle to try and check who was next to him. Perks of having a lazy eye. He saw splotches of white under his blankets. He blinked his eyes open, hissing at the sunlight that was determined to blind him, before shifting and lifting himself into a sitting position very slowly.

There, under his bed sheets, was Jack.

And then Hiccup realized he was naked and shifted the sheets and checked and yep Jack was naked too wow well would ya look at that.

"Shit". 

* * *

**And because I couldn't resist.**

"Here. It does wonders on hangovers."

Jack collapsed into a chair and just groaned for the umpteenth time, head in hands and staring at the plate of mush Hiccup had just put in front of him, as if it was to blame for all his pain. Hiccup just laughed, having already recovered, and went back to washing his breakfast dishes.

"Jack, just eat it. I promise your headache will literally evaporate."  
"Hiccup, that looks like red shit. Literally. It's-it's just a pile of bloody shit. And stop talking, you make an earthquake every time you speak."  
"Eat it, Jack."

Jack groaned again, before weakly taking a spoonful and popping it in his mouth. Hiccup counted to exactly 4.5 Mississippi before he heard gagging noises by the trash bin. He turned around and laughed, seeing Jack hunched over the trash and coughing up the insides of his stomach. Once the white-haired man could breathe again, he turned to look at the poison on his plate, too disgusted to be angry. "Wh-I-wh-It's-wh-"

"It's a special recipe from Berk to cure almost any ache you have, excluding the Important ones. It's raw fish…that a polar bear pooped out."

Jack started vomiting into the trash bin again, and Hiccup just laughed his ass off before leaving the dorm room with his plate of soggy play-dough. He always knew having extra red and orange play-dough would be of use to him someday. Adding pepper, oil, and a few sardines really added to the flavor of it, apparently. 

* * *

**Shout out to itsanauthorthing, because I was reading their song fic(s) when I got the idea to try and HiJack a song and then I was vacuuming and singing 99 Bottles of Beer and thinking of HiJack when it all meshed together into this. So really, they were kind of the mastermind behind it all.**

I have nothing against lazy eyes. I have nothing against drunk people. I've actually never been drunk nor really interacted much with drunk people so this drunk stuff you just read is all fictional.


End file.
